Christian Latina Leadership Blog

By Verónica Martínez-Gallegos

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Every year, we have the opportunity for a new beginning. We hear this trite phrase at the beginning of each year, although in reality, we have a new beginning with the dawn of every new day. However, we tend to think we can only start again at the beginning of a new year.

We could change our way of thinking by setting new goals at the beginning of a new day, week, month, or each quarter of the year. It could be a more practical way of achieving short and long-term goals. If you could start something again in your life, what would that project be? What if we started from the inside out? We all have internal conflicts and ways in which we relate to others that we would like to improve.

A couple of years ago, I discovered the work of psychoanalyst Karen Horney. Through her constructive theory, I started a new beginning, an interior cleaning of my thinking. Horney proposes three basic concepts: the basic evil that begins when basic needs are not met in childhood, which develops into basic hostility and causes basic anxiety to arise, which each person combats in three ways: approaching, confronting, and distancing from people.

These three ways of relating to others have two sides and they connect to how we think about ourselves and what we have internalized. Horney also proposed the self-awareness of the real self. When a person loses awareness of their real self and lives with the perception of an ideal self or a despised self, these thoughts leave no room for the person to live in their authenticity, which is where the potential for growth or self-realization can be found.

With the ideal self, one thinks of illusory perfectionism, and the internal message is “I should be…, or believing that ‘I am.’” In the despised self, one thinks of false or negative self-evaluations; the internal message is, “I am not good enough.”

For example, the person who moves close (approaching)to people tends to be a people-pleaser, and the internal message is, “If you love me, you won’t hurt me.” Some of the internal needs are affection and approval. People who move close to others identify with the despised self. They try too hard to please others to feel loved.

The person who moves against (confronting) others tends to be hostile, and their internal message is, “If I have power, no one can hurt me.” Their internal needs are control, recognition, admiration, and achievement, and they identify with the ideal self. They try too hard to appear strong and not vulnerable.

The person who moves away (distancing) from others tends to be individualistic, cold, and distant, and the internal message is, “If I withdraw from others, no one can hurt me.” Some internal needs are self-sufficiency, independence, and perfection, and they vacillate between the despised self and the ideal self. The individual tries too hard for what they “should be” and suffers from thinking they will never be good enough.

However, there is a positive side to these three ways of relating to others. For example, reaching out creates friendly relationships, confronting equips us for resilience and boundaries, and distancing gives space solitude and healthy detachment. Only when these behaviors become compulsive and unrealistic is there a danger of unhealthy internal conflict.

Reflecting on what this theory of the real self teaches, in my theology, I understand that I am who God created me to be (Psalm 139:13). God created me to be my authentic self and live doing good (Ephesians 2:10). Regardless of whether I grew up in a family unit where my needs were or were not met, as an adult woman I am responsible for my behavior. My parents gave me what they had with the resources they, in turn, received. I am accountable for bringing every thought to obedience to Christ (2 Corinthians 10:4-5). I can punish myself by thinking about what I should be or by believing I do everything perfectly. However, it is difficult to live in a mindset that goes to both extremes.

I have also understood that we all use the three ways of relating to others depending on our position of power. For example, I would not move against my boss unless it was due to an injustice. However, I may move against others when I am unaware that I am in a position of authority. That is why self-awareness is important. An example of this would be how we treat our children, especially when they are minors, or how we treat the waitress when we do not receive the treatment, we believe we deserve.

Returning to the initial question, if you could start over by reflecting from within, how do you relate to others? Do you do it in a healthy way or by seeking to satisfy an unmet internal need? I invite you to reflect. It is always possible to change and strive to be the best version of yourself. God created us to do good, and this begins with us. This new year offers us an opportunity to start anew. Let’s make good use of it!

“‘…Which commandment in the law is the greatest?’…‘You shall love the Lord your God with all your heart and with all your soul and with all your mind.’ ³⁸ This is the greatest and first commandment. ³⁹ And a second is like it: ‘You shall love your neighbor as yourself.’ ⁴⁰ On these two commandments hang all the Law and the Prophets.” (Matthew 22:38-40 NRSVUE)